I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
