Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
