I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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