he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
