Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
