I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
