Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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