It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
