I bet he comes in French.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
