i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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