I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
