I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Drake has all the answers
as a side note pls kill me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
