Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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