i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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