I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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