My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
