it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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