Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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