I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
