Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
