I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
