I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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