FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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