Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
