ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
