community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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