I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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