Jerry, you need to find god
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
