highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
