i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
