hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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