I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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