I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
