threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
