Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
