last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
