I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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