Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
