My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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