great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
