Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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