he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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