Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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