Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
