im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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