I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
