I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
