don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
