yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
