I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
