Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
