why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
